Kill A Tree

Tune: "Jingle Bells"

Ali Katz

Dashing to the mall in a fleet of rented trucks,
a million hairless apes are out to spend some plastic bucks.
It's Christmas time again - or maybe World War Three -
and to keep their spirits happy now, they've got to kill a tree.

Oh, kill a tree, kill a tree, kill a tree for Christ.
(Jolly Old Saint Nicholas, accept this sacrifice.)
Kill a tree, kill a tree, kill a tree for Christ,
not sure what we're doing, but it seems to work out nice.

We know we each deserve a ton or two of crap,
but to keep the goodies coming now, we've got to spill some sap,
and string electric lights, and raise the ritual star,
and bribe our friends and families to forget what jerks we are.

And kill a tree...(etc.)

We always kill a tree. That's always been enough
for videos and GI Joes and all that kiddy stuff.
But Mommy wants a Harley, and Daddy wants a boat;
that's prob'ly gonna cost at least a chicken and a goat.

But kill a tree...(etc.)

To enhance everyone's holiday cheer, I highly recommend singing this one at the mall. But depending on where you live, you may want to make sure you've got a good bail bondsman's number first.