Fundie Dudies Against Satanism

Phil Hansford

We see you. We know who you are. We have seen your fancy colors. We have felt your smooth deceptions. We know what you look like. And now you will know that we know you know we know. Alright already.

We have mortified our resolve across this great nation to do battle with satin in all its forms. The courts may say that Satanism is legal, but we don't care! We are above the courts and the laws! Yes! We think we know it all because a little bird told us.

We have formed an impotent new strike farce known as FDAS (Fundie Dudies Against Satanism), which intends to stop the imposition of Satanism. (Maybe now we will be able to get some new members.) We have heard all your lies; that satin is not harmful, that it is not corrupting our youth and making them soft, that you do not use satin for the sheer pleasure of it. Such lies may fool the gullible, the naive, the foolish, but they do not fool us because we are not that smart. Not at all. Besides, we have our own lies to believe in.

And so, even though there's only three of us and millions of you, you will he hearing from us (see next letter).

Someday, after we learn how to spell, we will sneak into your homes and wrinkle all of your satin! Then you will come begging for cotton. This country was founded on cotton values, and we intend to return to them so that we can boss you around.

--Phil Hansford, 7/89.